Your kid’s social circle will shape their future more than academics ever will.
As parents, most of us know this intuitively. I meet countless families who are frustrated with their child’s school — outdated instruction, one-size-fits-all academics, daily disengagement — but they still won’t leave because of their kid’s social circle.
“I don’t want to disrupt their social life,” they tell me. “I don’t want to separate them from their friends.”
This gut instinct is spot-on and backed by decades of research (more on that in a moment), but I have some not-so-great news:
Traditional school isn’t just failing your kid academically.
It’s failing them socially, too.
We become like the people we spend time with (this isn’t a hot take)
There’s a well-researched idea that we become like the people we surround ourselves with.
Psychologists call it social contagion: emotions, behaviors, and norms spread through social groups the same way viruses do. Shake a hand, slap a shoulder, build a community, and watch how your values infect the next person. And the next. And the next. Ambition and laziness are equally contagious. They just have wildly different side effects.
Sociologists call it social identity theory: we shape our sense of self around the groups we belong to. “People like me do things like this.” Teenagers especially look to their friends to figure out who they are.
Anthropologists call it cultural learning: humans learn what matters most through imitation: copying what’s rewarded, avoiding what’s punished.
And then there’s the popular phrase most of us have heard, often attributed to Jim Rohn:
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
All that to say, the research is robust.
Who your child spends their time with (8 hours a day, 12 years in a row) shapes how they think, what they value, and who they believe they’re allowed to become. School isn’t just where kids learn math and reading, but where they learn what’s normal, what’s cool, what’s embarrassing, and what’s worth caring about.
Who your child spends their days with will shape who they become.
The (well-intentioned) mistake parents make
With socialization front of mind, naturally, many parents arrive at the same conclusion:
I’m going to give my child as much socialization as possible.
They choose big schools, busy campuses, endless clubs, sports, and activities. More kids must mean more opportunity…right?
But that’s not necessarily true. More peers doesn’t automatically mean better peers. And being surrounded by people all day doesn’t guarantee meaningful connection.
Socialization is about quality, not quantity.
This is where traditional schools break down.
The dark underbelly of traditional school socialization
In theory, school should be the place where effort and intelligence are celebrated. Where being a “try-hard” is cool. But sadly, that’s not reality.
I can’t tell you how many students come to Alpha from other schools saying the same things:
I was called a “try-hard” because I wanted to start a business.
No one around me cared about the things I care about.I had a lot of friends… but it was hard to be myself. I had to focus on fitting in.
“Cool kids” aren’t supposed to get good grades.
Care too much about a project and you’re a “try-hard.” Get excited about learning and you’re “nerdy.” Talk about starting a business and people laugh in your face, literally.
Socialization in traditional schools is a beast. Kids are tossed in the deep end with no preparation and from there, it’s sink or swim. No life jacket. Good luck figuring out your place in the pecking order.
Naturally, kids adapt. They do what they need to survive.
Once they learn that effortlessness is valued more than excellence, their own priorities change. They mute their enthusiasm, pretend not to care, and downplay their ambitions to fit in with the masses.
And this right here is what I call the dark underbelly of traditional school socialization.
You’ve seen it in famous films like Mean Girls and The Breakfast Club: cafeteria cliques, status games, and a collective attempt to appear “effortless.” Ambitions and dreams aside, the goal is to fit in with the status quo.
Maybe you’re reading this and alarm bells are going off. Because many of us feel the same way, even as adults. Lots of acquaintances. Plenty of “friends.” But very few relationships built on depth, trust, and shared purpose.
Why would we expect our kids to be immune?
The problem is low expectations, not cruelty
I don’t believe kids at traditional schools are inherently mean or bad. I think they are simply misled, responding rationally to the incentives around them.
(Remember: kids don’t just observe social norms, they internalize them.)
When the social reward goes to looking cool, unbothered, and effortless, kids learn to suppress any semblance of effort, both in themselves and in others. They too have been taught, at one time or another, that “they’re just a kid.” Their ideas have been snuffed, their dreams made small. It’s not the environment we want for our kids, but it’s often the one they inherit by default.
But what if you could choose your kid’s social environment?
What if school taught your kid healthy socialization?
And what if “trying hard” was cool?
Alpha School: Where “try-hards” are the cool kids
We spend a lot of time at Alpha teaching kids socialization techniques. In fact, much of middle school is spent preparing kids and building skills for high school. (Because we all know about high school social dynamics.)
We help kids learn how to be interesting and how to be interested in other people. How to ask questions, not just talk about themselves. How to read body language. How to connect with someone. How to engage in compelling conversation. These are things that, I assure you, kids are not learning in traditional schools.
It’s funny — parents are often skeptical about Alpha because of the size of the school.
“It’s just not big enough yet.”
They want the roaring Friday night football games, the grade levels of 200+ kids. And there’s nothing wrong with that. If that’s what matters to you, go for it.
But there is something to be said for choosing your kid’s peers. For joining a school when it’s the smallest it will ever be so you have a say in the families you grow with.
When I first started Alpha, that’s exactly what I did. I handpicked the families I wanted to come to the school. We grew together. Now, Alpha is spreading across the nation, and you have the unique opportunity to choose your kid’s social circle, if that’s something that’s important to you.
Environment is destiny, especially during adolescence. And while we can’t control everything, we can choose the ecosystems our kids grow up in. I personally would rather do that by design, not accident.
At Alpha, the entire social environment is by design.
It’s a bustling culture of, yes, kids who try hard. From day one, kids walk into an environment where curiosity is normal, ambition is celebrated, and effort is expected. They’re surrounded by peers who are building things, asking big questions, and taking themselves seriously.
Here, starting a business isn’t weird. Caring deeply about a project isn’t cringe. Getting excited about learning doesn’t lower your social standing. Alpha kids don’t make fun of each other’s ambition. They respect it. In fact, they expect it.
How cool is that?
Obviously, Alpha isn’t perfect. No school is. But the culture here truly is different.
Alpha’s classrooms are a thoughtfully designed culture where your kid’s peers make them braver, not smaller. Where they’re pushed forward, not pulled back. Where being a “try-hard” isn’t something to apologize for, but something to be proud of.
When no one is fighting to look “effortless,” there’s no need to tear others down. No one at Alpha will laugh at your kid for having big dreams. Instead, they’ll say, “Cool. How can we make it happen?”
Because everyone at Alpha — students, guides, staff — truly believes that kids are limitless.
I don’t know about you, but that’s the social environment I want to give my kids.
